wanderlust and escapism is welling up inside of me again.

i'll miss this room, this apartment, the friends and this city. but i'm ready to go now.

it scares me how easily i let go nowadays

cut off. cut out.

i need to not care so much.

-----------------------------------------

i'm so annoyed with that fucking lazy arsehole. if you are so bloody lazy and can't even keep up with your work (but can go out drinking and pubbing), then don't join the bloody team. URGHS.

i think the last time i put in so much effort for a competition was sec 4 tramp comp :p

but its a good distraction. a good muffler on the screaming thoughts in my head.

how will i dance this sadness out? mms, i do wonder.

i need to stop torturing myself. it isn't good for my soul

this is my answer to your video cass :p

god this contemp is awesome (((: my heart just twists and turns with it.



this is how i always look like when i watch wonderful dancers dance. to see how talented some people can be. it just blows you away.

as sporean kids, we are blessed. all our worries seem so insignificant, so minute, compared to those of the children in africa. who worry about their basic survival. and to make it worse, the children in uganda, the child soldiers, they worry about being made to fight, to kill, to massacre. they are the forgotten, the ones who fall through the crack. the ones that that have been forgotten or forsaken, because they can't be reached, because they can't be traced and because they appear and disappear just like that.

these are kids who get kidnapped at age 8 or 9 onwards, and they kill for the lord's rebellion army. even when they come out or escape, they are mutilated, physically and mentally. thousands of lives have been ruined by the wars in uganda, congo and rwanda.

and so i hope, when you are safe, warm and happy this christmas, you will think about these children. and do what you can for them. be it a donation, be it getting physically involved. just because you come from spore, or from asia, and you're far away from africa, and you've never experienced such tragedies, doesn't give you the right to not care. i cannot understand how everything can be simply calculated in economic terms. just because its of no value to you, or of no economic advantage to our country, you just give up. give up on these fellow human beings.

the many youths around the world who have gotten involved in these humanitarian projects. they need not have lived through this. but they see, they understand that we are all part of this world. just because you come from a different part, or your skin is a different colour, doesn't mean you can just forget these children.

there are so many of us i know who are so capable, so brilliant, so resourceful. so why don't you put your efforts into helping these children. it doesn't matter how much of a difference you think you make, the fact that you step forward already makes a hell lot of difference.

invisible children. do check it out.

it is times like these i wish i was in the US. how i admire the attitudes of the students there. the self-confidence, the desire to make a difference and the fact that they don't let age or adults tell them what they can or cannot do.

i want to make my difference.

when did i grow so cautious? so afraid to fall, so afraid to be hurt? i used to dare to stand at e ledge of everything, anything and peer fearlessly down to the unknown. to take that leap of faith. now all i do is hide in my little fortress.

you will never know how you changed me

i must say the new moon soundtrack isn't bad
HAH! i knew one of them was by bon iver :p

tonight was really fun (((: hahaha, tsuki's an absolute sweetheart.

even e rainy walk home couldn't spoil my mood. though i might just catch a cold -.-

oh how i love languages (:

bloody jealous of natural linguists (which i'm not). i work my arse off at japanese. my cantonese is still pretty shite. and i'm starting informal korean classes tmr. mms exciting :D haha. we'll see how korean goes. mms.

a night of happy tipsy friends, twirling round and round the room, being serenaded from my window from the window below. haha.

i miss that spontaneity.

to find that balance between letting go and holding tight.

mms, i love my life rachel. honestly i do. just that i need someone to crack e shell. and i can't find one.

all i want is one more chance to be young and wild and free

i found this really randomly. but fuck this is good.



fabian would complain that its dutch :p snorts.

i'm waiting for eleanor & ryan's travis wall contemp routine to be out on youtube so i can put it up :D

i think the shell has gotten too thick. too impenetrable now.

but i don't know of anyone who can or will peel the layers away.

this onion feels like an armadillo now.

i wish i could feel less emotionally empty sometimes. so have that flitting moments of irrepressible glee last longer than it does.

sighs -.- i'm not boasting or whatever, but seriously if it weren't for me. i really wonder what kind of state this house would be in.

words can't even begin to express how brilliant travis wall is, and his wonderful choices in music. omg i love stars. i love the emotion behind his work. i love the fluidity and originality of his movement.

it just makes me want to dance.

dance has taught me how important music is. how fundamental and ingrained it is into my life. each moment has a song for it, and a song for every emotion.

and sometimes when i hear some songs, it fills that emotional vacuum that has seemed to appear inside of me.

i am such a geek :p

i seriously so enjoyed myself at the icc's assembly of states conference. the asia pacific meeting, e general debate, e working groups.

i really want to be part of something like this

gods, my sleeping schedule is even more screwed up than usual (if you can believe it). i've been falling asleep at erh 10pm e past few nights. waking up at 3-5 am, reading stupid juris articles, and then either going to school like a bloody zombie. or go back to nap/sleep. this is BAD.

and i'm leaving for e hague in like what 10 hours. bloody brilliant. gotta lug my suitcase to sch somemore. and its like a bloody hurricane outside. i can hear everything being blown away -.- roars.

and its freezing in the hague.

i'm not a happy camper. AT ALL

mms, i'm going to kidnap my dad's old canon professional film camera when i get back. i'm too in love with film now to give it up :p haha.

iberico ham, tuna with jap mayo and crunchy toast makes for a wonderfully luxurious breakfast.

gods, i was so stressed out over my telders meeting last night that i came home, had my ebi katsu curry and crashed and burned. whoosh. only to wake up at 6am to shower, and then proceed to spend a bloody hour hand-washing my clothes. and erh kinda wasted the last 3 hours watching my ju gong bou hei & eating my disgustingly good breakfast (with jap coffee). mms. bloody juris essay. ROARS.

oh the fucking irony of life. HAH.

You've left me with such a silent world,
Where evenings are calm, but I'm restless
And my breath has become as thin as the wind.

Not even the mighty sky could fill the space you left behind
Not even when it rains.
No, nothing takes your place
Your emptiness too great to fill.

I have been holding my breath,
For too many nights in a row,
And somewhere on coastlines unknown to me
You paint your dreams,
With reds and blues and greens.
Yea you're painting daffodils by the sea,
Without me.

barcelona was good (: good friends, good food, sangria and gaudi. what's not to love really (((: i'm going to be really sad when we all graduate.

-------------------------------------------

something died inside of me when you forgot. i think of each of you. though i wonder if you all do. i feel like the fool really. but i feel like the biggest stupidest fool when it comes to you. it seems like the common thread. disappointment and expectations. i thought that i could distance myself from all that. i really did. but i go one big circle, only to end up in the same emotional environment. though i must say i've gotten the even shorter end of the stick again.

invisible. they say its obvious. but i don't know if i'm trying to lie to myself or what. but i swear its not at all. cause if you can't even see me, how can you see that?

i wonder if that part of me has really died. if it has, i really don't know what is left of it to let me continue really.

foolishness.

time to start my christmas shopping (((:

mulled wine, sparkly fairy lights, smell of pine cones. ah i love christmas!

sighs. if only i could find a guy like ho chit-nam ):

you know what, though i'm slightly jealous of all the winter trips e others are going on, and i really do want to go skiing..

i think there's nothing better than being home during christmas time (: with the smell of mulled wine simmering on the stove, the ham and apple sauce, family and friends. i wouldn't trade it for any trip in the world really.

yes the countries might change, but unless a bloody atomic bomb drops on one, its going to be there in e future. i can't say the same for my family and friends though. everyone has a time limit. and every moment i can spend with them, is something extra and special (: which i appreciate all the time.

snorts, happy blog entry ended up rather morbid. HAHA.

cassssssssssssss. go home early!!! i go with you eat zi char, eat kong ba bao, eat trotters, eat ou jian. i lub choo (:

fucking hell.

how difficult is it to pour oil out from a bottle without dripping all over the BLOODY CAP and down the sides of the bottle. christ.

i want to have a crazy story i tell. something right out of a book or movie. something unbelievable, unique and just insane. but where can you find that? everyone's so cautious, so wary, so suspicious. i'm guilty of that. no one dares to take that leap of faith anymore. no more random meetings. coincidental moments. everything has to follow a certain channel. a classmate, a coursemate, a schoolmate, a workmate, a friend of a friend. no random strangers. its claustrophic really. claustrophobic in how i feel suffocated and stifled, in how your whole world ends up so clustery and similar.

we've all stopped breaking out of our moulds and fixed patterns. why? because its comforting? but that doesn't explain a permanent fixation with that kind of lifestyle. you seek comfort when you're tired or hurt or want some peace. i would call it laziness, stubborness and close-mindedness.

i hate the obnoxious way some people look at others. just because they are of a different upbringing, race or whatever it may be. does not immediately make them inferior. there are so many things i find inferior in myself as compared to others. shrugs.

haha. i want to do the crazy (:

i'm slightly disappointed in myself, in my previously-thought-to-be-indestructible self belief.

i just realised how easily i've allowed myself to be knocked down these past two years, and i'm slightly disgusted by it really. what happened to the lack of fear of falling down? i never cared for the scrapes and bruises. i'd just pick myself and try even harder. now it seems that i take each step so cautiously, so aware of comparisons and everything else that is fucking unnecessary.

this has been a wake up call. and i want to go back to my jc self. the self who'd throw herself wholeheartedly, unconsciously and fearlessly into life. and just do everything i want to do that comes my way. and truly live this experience.

(gosh, that sounded a wee bit cheesy) hahaha

もしも　あなたと逢えずにいたら
わたしは何を　してたでしょうか

平凡だけど　誰かを愛し
普通の暮らし　してたでしょうか

時の流れに　身をまかせ
あなたの色に　染められ
一度の人生それさえ　捨てることもかまわない※

だから　お願い　そばに置いてね
いまは　あなたしか　愛せない

もしも　あなたに嫌われたなら
明日という日　失くしてしまうわ

約束なんか　いらないけれど
想い出だけじゃ　生きてゆけない

時の流れに　身をまかせ
あなたの胸に　より添い
綺麗になれたそれだけで　いのちさえもいらないわ

だから　お願い　そばに置いてね
いまは　あなたしか　見えないの

i miss japan, i miss angie.
i miss paris, i miss mummy.

i really do want to jump onto e eurostar and head to paris for e weekend. but there's just way too much work and things i have to do ): to have my quiche lorraine, foie gras & souffles. mms (:







: caresse sur l'ocean :: les choristes :

i feel it devouring my soul. i don't want to end up like _______.

sighs. study i shall.

sometimes i wish i was a hibiscus instead of a rose.

mms. exciting weeks coming up (: barcelona and then hague for e assembly of state parties of e ICC. haha. though i think i'm asking for trouble for packing my dates so fully, its still exciting (: plus there's telders prep coming up too. haha. this has got to be e first time i'm voluntarily joining an academic competition. snorts.

went up to cambridge yesterday (: it was rather odd. my image of cambridge will always be that of 2005. somehow the me now can't quite reconcile the two times. brought back alot of interesting memories though. haha. of how some friendships began, and how some ended. mms. i do quite like sidney sussex (:

despite all that, my heart is rather set on america. haha. its time for new things.